all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
