he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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