just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
