I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
