i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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