I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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