I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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