i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
farters have to be the big spoon...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
