Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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