so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
