"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
