i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
