Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
