Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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