This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
