I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
