True but thats because hes a fetus.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
