When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
