when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize