I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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