i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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