god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
