Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
