Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
