No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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