Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
