i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
