Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
pray to the hookup gods
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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