you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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