Don't make out with my wife yet
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
