SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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