I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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