dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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