Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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