Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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