We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
