Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
