My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize