i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
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