what day is it and did you see me today?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
two words...techno handjob
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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