I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
