I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
