I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
