Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
