Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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