My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize