ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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