I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
