i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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