You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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