I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
