The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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