some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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