So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
soo... how was my night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
