mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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