Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
