If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
