If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so let's talk penis.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
