my room smells like sperm. sweet.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
