I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
