M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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