I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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