Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
