I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
