I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
